Happy 10th birthday Samuel!

I’ve never shared much about my experience as a dad of a premature baby, but 10 years on from our son Samuel being born too early, it feels time to do so. 

Frankly, I was unprepared for being a dad even if Samuel had been born full-term. Our small flat in south London barely had space for me and my wife, let alone a new baby and all the clobber and chaos that comes with them!  

Even more importantly, emotionally I had no idea. I thought that I did… it’s all about taking them to football practice, teaching them to ride their bike, offering sage advice about life choices… but nappies, sleepless nights, arguments and tears (theirs and ours) were not something I was prepared for.  

I was even less ready for the reality of what it meant to have a baby born prematurely.   

Paralysed with fear

The terrifying rush of the unplanned trip to hospital, nurses and doctors whizzing in and out of the birthing room, nodding while being told information I only half understood, and paralysed in anticipation and fear about what the early birth would mean. No time to hold him – our tiny baby was whisked away to the intensive care unit. And there he stayed. Behind the Perspex, with the wires and tubes, the machines, the beeps and the buzzes. When I next saw Samuel I whispered through the incubator glass, ‘I love you so much, and I’m so proud of you for making it through the night’.  

I was working in my job when Samuel was in hospital, so I would visit him every morning on the way in to work and every evening on the way home. Most of the time in NICU was filled with a kind of nervous boredom. Staring at numbers on a screen – high is good, low is bad, below 90 and you need to be worried. Highlights were being able to do the nappy changes. Long hours watching and worrying.  

These were interspersed with the terrifying moments. Once, an inexperienced junior doctor attempted to change Samuel’s IV line. I had to hold down my screaming baby while she stuck him over and over trying to find a vein. Holding down his writhing body against the rasping screams of his tiny voice. You can leave NICU, but there are some experiences in NICU that will never leave you. 

Coming home – and going back

Even when Samuel did come home with us, it was far from easy. Like so many babies born early, he had various complications meaning that he and his mum were in and out of hospital at short notice throughout the early years of his life. But he always came home again, and slowly he got healthier and stronger. 

Those days in NICU seem a long time ago now. But they will always be part of our family.   

Birthday boy

Samuel turns 10 this week. He is doing really well and I am glad to say that these days there is indeed plenty of time for football practice, learning to ride bikes, and occasional attempts at offering sage advice.  

Happy 10th birthday, Samuel. I love you so much and I’m so proud of you. 

With thanks to Mike Smith for sharing Samuel’s story.