One year later

Our twins, Jakob & Lily-May, were born at 30 weeks and spent a long seven weeks in NICU following their premature birth. Recently, we celebrated their first birthday, happy and healthy, but it has been a long journey to get here.

Looking back, the days we spent in NICU were long and tiresome, and the unknown was terrifying. I went into labour on the evening of 5 April and by 2:41am and 2:52am I had given birth to Lily-May and Jakob. 

Lily-May was born weighing 3lb (1.36kg) and Jakob was born weighing 3lb 7oz (1.56kg). Having had the perfect image in my head of having a C-section, holding my babies together straight from birth, to not being able to hold my twins and watching Jakob be resuscitated in the same room as me, was extremely distressing to say the least.

I didn’t know how to feel. Was I happy? Was I in shock? I had missed that first, precious skin-to-skin moment with my babies. They were taken swiftly up to NICU, where they were both given breathing aids, Jakob’s being more intense than anticipated. 

Leaving our babies

For the next seven weeks, we spent every single day in the NICU, from 8am until midnight, sometimes later. Leaving was the hardest part of any day. We would struggle to come home, leaving them in their hospital cots, but we put our complete trust in the wonderful nurses that worked in the NICU.

Panic attacks and flashbacks

After being discharged from the NICU, we settled back home, terrified but happy. We attended paediatric appointment after paediatric appointment, but this is where I began to notice some problems in myself. I was having horrible panic attacks, uncontrollable tears and flashbacks to the NICU. I took it upon myself to speak to a doctor who told me I was suffering from anxiety and PTSD following the traumas of NICU. This was a shock to me, as I had only ever associated PTSD with war. 

I am now six months past this initial doctor’s appointment, having spoken to doctors and prescribed medication, which has helped me so much. It does NOT mean that I don’t have sad days looking back at photos, or remembering the days in NICU, but it does mean I get to look at the positives surrounding it, rather than the negatives.

What I wish I’d known…

If I could go back to just over a year ago, I would tell me and my husband: ‘it’s going to be okay.’ Some would say that’s simple, some would say cliché, but you become a different person after having a baby/babies in the NICU. It makes you stronger than you ever realised you could be. You just adapt to a completely different experience. 

Looking back, I wish I’d known more about NICU. When I was pregnant, for me, there were two options: C-Section, around 36 or 37 weeks, or vaginal birth at 36/37 weeks. I had no idea what the NICU was. I had been informed that having twins of course was a high-risk pregnancy and that they could come early, but nothing more than that.

Raising awareness

This is exactly why I wanted to support The Smallest Things as a special volunteer. I want other mums and dads out there to understand how NICU works; I want this to become a general point of conversation at midwife appointments. I believe it should be, as others like me, may not have considered this. I understand that talking about prematurity is scary for any parent to hear, but it must be discussed more.

For us, we didn’t know anyone else who had been through what we had, and this made it really difficult to be understood. This is why we want to make a difference by helping any parents who have been through, or are currently going through, NICU. We want to remind them that it’s okay to not be okay just as much as it’s okay to be fine.

With thanks to Tay (and Michael) for sharing Jakob and Lily-May’s story.