Guest post by Becca Hilton, Mum of Max, as Part of World Prematurity Month 2016
Waking up from what feels like a continuous bad dream, the house is filled with silence yet I have a crib next to my bed and bottles on the side.
I switch on the television for some company and begin to express milk ready to take with me to the hospital. Doing this brings me some sort of comfort and helps me to feel closer to my son.
I arrive at the hospital, my tummy fills with butterflies and I cannot race quickly enough to the door. Lovely nurses buzz me in and welcome me with a smile and a chirpy, “hello mummy”! My heart races as I walk over to him, so perfect laying there calm but with a maze of wires surrounding him. I gaze over at his chart to check his weight and to see which nurse will be caring for him today. I wash my hands and warm them up ready to let my son know that I am there.
I stroke his ear and watch a small smirk raise from the side of his mouth, he knows his mummy is with him. The nurses always encourage me to be ‘hands on’ with him and help do the baby duties whilst I am there. This makes me feel so happy; I feel like I am finally bonding with him, I now feel like his mummy.
First things first its temperature check time, then nappy change (I can never cover him in time and he wees all over himself ha-ha, typical boy!) As I change his nappy, rearranging the wires around him I can’t help but think how delicate hi is and it’s amazing that something so small can be so strong and fight so hard, a true hero.
Sounds of beeps fill the room and alarms flash and glow bright, what a surreal situation, I can’t believe I’m here. I look around and see familiar faces, some of joy and some of heartache, who would have known that some of them have become friends for life and we share a bond like not many people do.
It’s feed time! I get excited at the thought of helping. At this point max is too small to be bottle or breast fed so he is fed through a tube. I watch the milk slowly go down as I hold the syringe, he lays there so peaceful, oblivious to the chaos around him, my little sleeping beauty.
How exciting, it’s time for Max’s first bath! I’m giddy with excitement. I start to undress Max and the nurse wraps him up in his towel, its hair wash time first. He wriggles as the water drips down the side of his face. We dry his hair and lower him into the water; being careful to keep the wires over the side of the bath. Max kicks his legs out and makes a small slash, tears fill my eyes, I couldn’t feel more proud to be his mum. I wrap the towel around him and embrace him in my arms, at this point I don’t want to let him go.
All cosy and snug, he keeps warm in his little nest that’s in the incubator. He stretches his legs out and lets out a little sigh and a yawn, he looks so content. I sit back and look around and think what an amazing place this actually is. If it wasn’t for the love, care and support that we have received as a family I don’t know what we would do.
Looking at the clock, it’s nearly time to say goodbye, dread fills my entire being. One last cuddle, I smell his hair and stroke his cheek and whisper I love you. I put him back and say god bless and goodbye, mummy will see you in the morning!
As I walk to the carpark to be picked up I feel sad and withdrawn, but this is normal right? I don’t know any different. But with reassurance from my husband he reminds me that when the time is right he will be home and he’s in the best place for now.
Early night for me, dreaming of what tomorrow will bring? We will have to wait and see as it’s all a mystery, a day in the life of a NICU mummy. No two days are the same, there may be ups and downs, but they are all part of your journey – be proud! I know I am.
If you’d like to share a story to raise awareness through World Prematurity Month, please email Catriona at firstname.lastname@example.org