Neonatal Intensive Care: A Fathers Journey

My little boy Cameron had to be delivered nearly 2 months early; he had fluid around his lungs and his movements had reduced. We would later come to know he had hydrops fetalis, a life threatening condition.
I wasn’t sure what to expect when I walked into the obstetric theatre, our daughter Beth had been born naturally and was full term and healthy. As well as the usual theatre staff there was a team of 7 from neonatal waiting to look after our boy. The theatre staff were great at keeping us calm and talking us through everything, but I will never forget the deafening silence when Cameron was born. There was no first cry, no tears of joy, no hugs or pictures, just a busy team working to save our son.

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I remember my wife Laura asking me if I could see him, but all I could see through a sea of scrubs was a cracking set of black sideburns – just like his dad!
Cameron couldn’t inflate his lungs so it took them a long time to stabilise him. He was intubated and had chest drains inserted, Laura was ready to go to recovery before Cameron was stable enough to move to NICU.

Walking into NICU that evening was terrifying. Cameron had tubes and wires covering every part of his tiny little body and his alarms were going off continually. The doctors were blunt in that many babies like Cameron don’t make it; he had no figures on survival rates, only that the coming days and weeks would be critical in seeing Cameron respond to treatment and see if the fluid reduced.

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The next day we introduced him to his big sister, it was a hard decision to make, he was so very ill but Beth had been so excited throughout the pregnancy, she needed to meet her brother. I underestimated how difficult it would be, it hit home how sick he was when I took her in. She gave him a little cuddly hedgehog and asked some questions, she took it all in but I struggled to hold it together. She would however become a regular visitor, reading her brother stories, singing him songs and using up all the hand gel! She was a complete ray of sunshine, she said it like it was and easily saw past all the medical equipment.

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I googled hydrops one day for more information, it was very grim reading and I was too scared to google it again so I started googling medical equipment and downloading the manuals, I needed to get a grasp of how they worked. I would take pictures of his ventilator setting every day and became obsessed with his fluid balance and chest drains!

Cameron had so many doctors looking after him, I was desperate for him to get the best care that I took to google again, this time googling his doctors to find out their specialities and expertise! Something that sticks in my mind is one particular doctor who we respected very much, (she saved his life one week!) telling us that Cameron had a fighting spirit in him, that he was most definitely here because he wanted to be. She was so right, Cameron went on to prove this in subsequent admissions to hospital.

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I can honestly say that I learned the true meaning of heartache in NICU. It is a pressure cooker of emotions, complete exhaustion and a constant battle to hold it together when you’re on the verge of completely losing it. But it’s not just about your own baby; you feel the pain of the other parents too. There was a baby next to Cameron that had become really unwell. I didn’t know his parents well but we had shared some chats while sitting by the incubators together. I gave his dad a hug that night and he told me that all they could do now was pray. I’m not religious but I told him that I’d say a prayer for him too. My heart sank the next morning when we saw an empty space where his incubator had been. I think I cried that whole day and night; it brought it home how fragile life is. I still think about that little boy and his family frequently.
I am thankful however for the other parents in the family room, they became such a support, family and friends struggled to understand what we were going through, these people got it without words even being spoken, they were on the rollercoaster too. There was always a chat and a laugh to be had no matter how rough a day you were having, it cheered my days up no end. We still keep in touch with many of the other parents and it’s great to see how our babies are getting on, especially as they all approach their first birthdays.

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I can’t describe the feeling of finally moving upstairs to SCBU. We knew that the next step would be home and we finally felt like parents to Cameron, able to hold him without having to ask, change him and dress him whenever we wanted to and most importantly just able to enjoy him. He was going to be okay, we were soon going to be able to take our boy home!!
Cameron has various health problems and requires future surgeries but he is the happiest wee guy around. He has taught us what life is all about and our family is definitely a much happier, kinder and thankful one for having Cameron in our world.

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With special thanks to NICU dad – Jason Smith, for sharing his journey through neonatal intensive care with The Smallest Things.

If you have a story to share, please contact Catriona at e. smallestthings@yahoo.com

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